The Griefy-est Time of the 12 months

---

The What’s Your Grief Podcast: grief help for many who prefer to hear.

---

Hey Litsa, how’s it going?

It is going all proper. How are you?

I am good. So, we’re again with the What’s Your Grief Podcast. But once more.

But once more, we’ll spare rehashing all of the historical past of our on and off background of the podcast.

Proper. However the vital factor is we’re right here now, proper.

Precisely.

Precisely. We’re right here. It is the vacation season, so what higher time than to return and speak about grief, proper.

Yeah. I imply, it, it does look like the griefiest time of the 12 months.

Yeah. That is (that is) such an fascinating approach of placing it.

It is so true. I believe that uh, there’s, and it does simply look like a number of the burden across the vacation season. It’s that mixture of a number of pleasure and a number of unhappy and that has (has) all the time been true. It is simply, I do not know, in a few of the messaging for no matter cause, I believe, we internalize it in another way. Like, we internalize it like we’re alleged to be…

Yeah.

…blissful, though there’s a lot on the market that exhibits the fact that, like, that is truly a extremely sophisticated time of 12 months.

Nicely, you already know, we speak about values on a regular basis, proper. And the way the issues that we worth essentially the most in life are a spot the place we will expertise essentially the most function and that means and connection and pleasure. However they’re additionally the locations that we care about essentially the most and they also’re the locations the place we will expertise essentially the most ache and loss and damage. And so, I actually assume that so many issues concerning the holidays are issues that we worth very deeply. And that is going to be completely different for everyone, but when you consider just like the record of issues which are related to the vacations like custom, household, religion, simply are form of the threads that join us to the previous. uh All kinds of various issues are issues that we, as people, are inclined to worth very deeply, so it is sensible that there can be this house for immense pleasure and in addition immense loss and ache. However we do not all the time acknowledge that ache aspect of it for a variety of causes, I suppose.

Yeah. I imply, a variety of causes I suppose but additionally I am not likely certain precisely what these wide selection of causes are, curiously, once I actually give it some thought.

I imply, I believe that we develop up, not all people clearly, like all of us have completely different childhood experiences, proper. However now we have this concept of like childhood holidays are all concerning the coziness and the consolation and the heat and the presence of, to some extent relying on what households do, and about being collectively, and that is clearly not all people’s expertise, proper. However I do assume we regularly have this image. And youngsters, I believe on the holidays are usually form of shielded from the extra unhappy issues.

Sure, sure. That’s positively the case. And I definitely, I’ve, the (the) older that I get, the extra I take into consideration that, and the extra I replicate on what number of holidays in my very own childhood my dad and mom have been most likely, for (for) causes I am very conscious of now, actually grieving and actually most likely struggling in a number of methods. They usually positively didn’t allow us to see that. Or they have been working actually laborious to ensure we weren’t conscious of that. I (I, I) acknowledge that a lot and I see it now as an grownup, as very a lot, like, I do not know, a double-edged sword or like a, you already know. It’s a part of what made many holidays great in my childhood. But in addition a part of perhaps sustaining this false expectation that the vacations are all the time supposed to simply be these blissful, great events which are all about pleasure and household and togetherness.

Sure. I, and I do not know what it’s why we stock that assumption that it is alleged to be optimistic into maturity. As a result of I relate to what you mentioned so deeply. I take into consideration this on a regular basis as a result of I do know that my mother was grieving, most likely fairly intensely, throughout my childhood for her personal mom. uh After which I do know that my mother had a number of the same stresses and worries, like for instance that I’ve now, about like cash, and ensuring the children have vacation, and caring for all the numerous issues that have to be taken care of uh in your instant household and prolonged household over the vacations. So, I do know that there was, like, that burden and there was that vast spectrum of emotions and feelings happening. However I (I) by no means, such as you mentioned, knew that as a baby. After we get to maturity we do start to comprehend this. However I believe we nonetheless purchase into this assumption that issues are alleged to look a sure approach. And I am not (I am not) certain why we we try this. I believe our society, generally, form of has that do not be a Grinch, you already know. Let’s be Rosie and Mary and give attention to the issues that basically matter. And people are vital messages. Like, I do agree. Like, let (let, let) us give attention to the values on the coronary heart of our holidays and our celebrations. Like, that these issues are (are) vital. However, yeah. Why does that then make us really feel like we will solely carry one half of that emotional spectrum into the (into the) vacation season. I am not likely certain, as a result of we all know it is a combine. We all know that. Everyone knows it, you already know.

Yeah. And that (that), I (I) imply, I assume it is that in the end, proper we dwell on this tradition and society that may relatively faux that happiness, like full happiness is attainable on these kinds of particular days, or perhaps simply generally, than saying like Wait authentically capturing that these holidays usually replicate the total vary of human emotion um is (is) invaluable. I believe we (we) would relatively say like, no we need to faux and make all of it blissful, relatively than authentically convey that it is a combined bag.

Proper. And as you are saying, that I used to be considering like even after we do (do) the factor the place we hook up with what issues, proper. Togetherness and um generosity and religion. Even these values are a combined bag, proper. Even these values are a mix of blissful and unhappy, um ache and and pleasure, for lack of a greater phrase. And I believe nowhere can we see that greater than we see it with connecting with (with) folks and reminiscences of the previous um and individuals who’ve died as a result of that’s one thing that I believe is worth for many people who’re grieving on the vacation season, that’s that blend of issues that really feel fairly comforting for many individuals, and in addition on the similar time it feels very unhappy. And I believe that is how a number of our values actually are as as they need to be. Quite a lot of the issues which are on the coronary heart of this season. So (so) yeah, I believe it’s fascinating that we do not acknowledge that. I believe perhaps to some extent in the identical approach that we defend our, defend the little ones, perhaps from hardship. We attempt to defend ourselves throughout this time of 12 months. And we’re very nostalgic usually and linked to the issues that we bear in mind being so enthusiastic about and bringing us a lot pleasure. And um, so I believe, perhaps that may be a little bit as a result of we’re connecting to that earlier chapter the place issues did really feel actually optimistic. Does that make sense, or am I simply.

Yeah. No, I imply, I believe it does make sense. And I believe I’ve (I’ve) considered this (this) 12 months fairly a bit round Thanksgiving, as a result of I believe my reminiscences of Thanksgiving, I’ve actually actually optimistic reminiscences of Thanksgiving in my childhood and my teenage years, like, actually good associations. After which (after which) I’ve actually horrible associations with Thanksgiving in my 20s, actually. I, there was simply all the pieces radically modified in my life. There my, definitely my dad died once I was 18, however then there was a string of subsequent losses in my household, different deaths of, you already know, (my grand) each my grandmothers, after which prolonged members of the family, in order that Thanksgiving modified so dramatically in my household. uh All the things appeared completely different and I believe I type of swung to this different excessive the place after that occurred, I used to be form of like, Okay I simply must plan for Thanksgiving to all the time be terrible. um As a result of I used to be like, I am unable to, it is by no means going to be what it was. Like, it is by no means going to be this actually idyllic reminiscence of my childhood. And so, if I preserve setting myself up for attempting to really feel that once more, or recreate that once more, then I am simply setting myself up for failure which sounds actually pessimistic and miserable. um However I believe is form of how I’ve (I’ve) coped with Thanksgiving over time.

Nicely, proper. I imply that (that) I believe, all of us, I believe a number of us try this, proper. If it will probably’t be the best way it was, if it will probably’t be this image then I do not I do not essentially see the worth in it or need it. And so, I do assume a query we regularly should ask ourselves, and typically perhaps we’re not able to ask that query is The place’s the worth if it isn’t that plan A. If it isn’t that ideally suited image, the place is the worth. And what (what) goes to really feel um comforting nonetheless or nice and permit me to attach with the worth of the day. And typically we’re simply not, we’re simply not prepared for that or we do not need to try this and that is okay too. um However I (I) do assume that that form of like goes together with this concept of (of) wanting issues to be the best way they have been, proper, and um once they (once they) felt actually good.

Yeah.

It is simply by no means (it is by no means) going to be like that once more, you already know. Cuz we’re grown-ups now, and it is completely different. And folks we love usually are not right here anymore, uh and that sucks. I need to be (I, I need to be) eight years previous once more for (for) a day.

Rright.

The place I used to be being sheltered. Despite the fact that I look again, and I am like Oh I, I am, I really feel (I really feel) type of unhappy to comprehend that my dad and mom have been sheltering me from a lot. um However on the similar time, it did create great, sure great reminiscences. And (and) I assume to be barely extra optimistic, I imply this 12 months I truly had a (a) good Thanksgiving once I had braced myself for not a pleasant Thanksgiving as a result of that is what I usually do. And I used to be reminded that typically the lead as much as troublesome holidays is way worse than the day itself. And that there’s a house to have the ability to actually have issues that we worth and respect even when they don’t seem to be precisely the best way they was. And we will discover that gratitude and do all of the issues that we like after all all the time speak about. However it may be actually laborious within the second to faucet into.

I, yeah, for certain. I believe it (it) is absolutely laborious and we discuss an enormous discuss however like then in our common lives, you already know, we’re only a mess, similar to all people else, proper. um We will inform all people Discover the, you already know, discover the center floor, Discover the worth, but it surely’s laborious. Such as you mentioned, it’s actually freaking laborious. However I believe, such as you (such as you) have been describing Thanksgiving as being a extremely significant vacation to you, so I really feel like when one thing is absolutely significant it is value persevering with to strive, you already know. There are different holidays the place folks may not have actually cared that a lot. Like, perhaps it is a Valentine’s Day. Oh we by no means made an enormous deal and now it is making me really feel actually crappy acknowledging at the present time. Nicely if it was by no means an enormous deal to you, then it is okay like do not (do not) fear about it, you already know. Simply, you already know, shut your door, keep inside, flip off the TV, learn a guide till the times move. However when it is a day that basically does matter to you, once you’re able to try to join uh and discover methods to make it yours once more or your loved ones’s once more, I believe it is it is value looking for that center. However I believe, having that mature perspective the place you acknowledge that it should be that blend. It is gonna be (it is gonna be) completely different and it should be a mixture and it should suck at occasions maybe. However perhaps there are occasions which are going to really feel okay as nicely. And that is going to be an enchancment from all these different years the place it actually was (was) all dangerous.

Yeah. And I believe, a part of it that is so laborious, as a result of as you described there may be that nostalgia or craving or that concept of (of) what it was or evaluating it to. And I believe typically attempting to enter as of late with slightly bit much less of that, of definitely figuring out there could also be traditions we need to maintain on to and values which are actually vital, however having the ability to say I am gonna take this 12 months because it comes, of the nice issues for the nice issues and all the pieces else, you already know, to simply form of go away it. um However to get out slightly little bit of that evaluating cycle, which is difficult. As a result of it is like in the end the vacations are this particular reminder of like what it (what it) was and who was there and all, you already know, all these specifics.

It is (it is) actually bizarre. It is like being requested to relive a day over and over yearly. However (however) it is completely different. It is the identical however completely different. And so it’s inconceivable, I discover personally. I am a really nostalgic individual. Like, I, half my pages I comply with on Instagram are simply 90s and 80s Nostalgia pages and on Fb the one posts I ever get are posts about previous homes and like I (I), so perhaps I am simply talking from from like me. However like, I really feel like it’s inconceivable to not be drawn again into the previous, particularly once you’re grieving, proper. You get out that field of ornaments you are going to choose up the one you love’s favourite decoration, proper. And also you’re gonna consider them, you already know.

Yeah, completely.

Unimaginable to not get drawn into the previous this time of 12 months.

Nicely, and what’s sophisticated is that I believe that that is true even when the previous is not idealized in romance, proper.

Proper.

Like, it is just like the worst, it is like on the one hand there are the actually great nice reminiscences that we get drawn to however then typically it is that the vacations weren’t that for us. Like, they have been terrible and now we have horrible reminiscences of actually troublesome issues on the holidays. And the vacations are nonetheless inviting us to relive these issues over and over and be reminded of them. And now, typically to really feel like as a substitute of attempting to recreate them, we’re attempting to love undo and reclaim the previous by making it good now which creates its entire personal different set of pressures.

That is (that is) so true. I believe, you already know, I am desirous about individuals who speak about how they skilled a number of loss across the holidays, additionally about individuals who by no means ever ever had vacation. Like, we will grieve issues we by no means had. And in order we get older, we will proceed to, you already know, undergo sure holidays, it would not even should be winter holidays it may very well be any vacation, birthday, no matter. And people holidays can remind us of what we did not have and want we had. uh So completely, I believe, it may be one thing that brings you again to extra optimistic reminiscences, and one thing that brings you again to extra unfavourable reminiscences. And there is not, like, it is simply, it’s a factor, you already know. It’s a factor and (and) for many individuals, they do not need to not do it, you already know. I do not need to not do it. There is a cause why I do join a lot every time I can with the previous as a result of I, it makes me really feel consolation and heat and blissful emotions, for me personally. However (however) uh, yeah, typically we have to form of discover methods to manage when perhaps we’re doing it an excessive amount of, or it is making us really feel dangerous about what now we have within the current, or when such as you have been describing it it is form of like haunting us in a approach.

Yeah. And I believe, having the ability to say How can we exist in (in) the current, proper. Of how can we exist on this current second, not attempting to recreate one thing that is gone, not attempting to place strain on ourselves to create one thing good that we by no means had as a mark that we have moved past our troublesome previous, how can we as a substitute simply form of determine what (what) we’d like in a approach that is going to acknowledge that there is going to be great issues, there’s going to be unhappy, laborious sophisticated issues, and the way can we keep current and genuine and linked and care for ourselves inside all of that. I imply, I believe that is actually

Yeah.

the laborious work of the vacation season is to create house for all of that, proper.

And I (I) assume that one of many issues that’s laborious for, it is laborious for us to speak about, like, How do you spend the vacations, How do you care for your holidays, How do you, you already know, what do you have to do over the vacations, as a result of it (it) goes to simply be so distinctive to the person. It (it) depends upon the vacations that they have a good time. It depends upon how they really feel concerning the holidays. It depends upon on how (how) they felt prior to now and the way they really feel within the current, it depends upon 100 various things. And so there are going to be individuals who say Nope, I am not going to strive that discover that center floor. I am simply not gonna do it this 12 months. um And that may be a alternative. That ,that is fantastic to make uh for folks. However on the opposite finish of the spectrum, we need to acknowledge there are many people who find themselves like What are you all speaking about, the vacations are just like the one respite I’ve. The one factor that I’ve to sit up for. The one factor that brings me pleasure on this grieving life that I’ve. I I do not need them to, I do not need to take a look at them as if they’ll be unfavourable. uh As a result of that is not how I am feeling, proper. um There generally is a little bit of a denial in that typically, the place we form of put our heads down and say That is gonna be fantastic. It is gonna be good. There generally is a little bit of a denial and typically after we try this however typically it is simply it nonetheless feels good to us. Yeah. Too, when you’re on that different finish of the spectrum.

Completely. Like, I believe that we’d like respite from our grief. We’d like distractions from our grief. We have to discover these issues in our lives that also give us a way of pleasure and surprise and that means and function. And if the vacations are that for you, like one, I am simply actually blissful for you. But in addition, like, to have the ability to simply really feel grateful for that, and to let go of any guilt that is perhaps going with it. As a result of I believe typically, we really feel guilt concerning the thought of having fun with life when this individual or individuals who we have misplaced aren’t right here with us. I believe, this 12 months on the planet there may be a lot sophisticated that we’re seeing of the ache that persons are, expertise all around the world, that everyone knows theoretically is all the time there. However this 12 months, due to the issues which are taking place in Gaza and in Sudan and the media cycle the place we’re being fed a lot on a regular basis, we will really feel really feel this guilt for having fun with the vacation. Or for it, for form of feeling this concept of that is essentially the most great time of the 12 months. And it may be so vital,

Yeah,

to keep in mind that like our ache shouldn’t be our connection to the individuals who we have misplaced. We’ve so many connections to them. And after we benefit from the vacation season, it does not imply we’re forgetting them or leaving them behind or betraying them in a roundabout way. It signifies that we’re studying how one can carry each our grief alongside with our (our, our) life now, and what we worth and respect. And we will additionally acknowledge all the ache that exists on the planet. And typically, after we’re capable of truly higher regulate ourselves and we’re higher capable of form of handle our personal grief and handle the vacation season in optimistic methods, it helps us to have the ability to take into consideration what are the productive and useful issues that we need to do on the planet in service to different folks and to really feel like we’re making a distinction and contributing within the ways in which really feel vital to us. That may all be wrapped up in our vacation season the place we’re nonetheless very a lot form of considering of others and (and) giving and conscious of what our relationship is with the world as an entire. So, I believe it is vital to provide ourselves permission to really feel simply the total vary of emotions that is perhaps developing.

Yeah. I imply if (if) there was one, like thesis of this podcast, it might be that. Like, no matter you are feeling, is (is) okay to really feel. Wherever that vary of emotion, wherever you might be on that vary of emotion at any given time. As a result of it should change uh presumably, you already know, from second to second at occasions. And so, it’s okay in case you are any person who’s saying like I am unable to do it this 12 months. It’s okay when you’re any person who’s like I actually need to benefit from the vacation season. um And perhaps, you already know, I’ve moments of grief however I am gonna give attention to, you already know, gathering or shopping for presents or no matter. That is okay too. After which when you’re like lots of people who’re form of in that center, the place it is like, I am attempting to attach with the issues that carry me pleasure and luxury whereas additionally acknowledging that I am experiencing a number of grief. um That is (that is) okay too. Like, they’re all okay. And feeling what you are feeling is okay and no person can let you know not. Nobody can take that away from you. Nobody else’s opinion, nobody else’s ache, nobody else’s happiness or (or) want to be blissful can take away the way you truly really feel. I’ll say this is perhaps a tangent. This is perhaps a tangent. However I have been desirous about this. Generally how I really feel, I do not like, you already know. Generally how I really feel, particularly recently I’ve observed, and I (I) assume it is as a result of I’m feeling very pulled in the direction of the previous whereas additionally being pulled in the direction of the longer term and stressing concerning the holidays, it’s making me very impatient and snappy and irritable. And I have been desirous about this quite a bit, as a result of I do not know that once I’m in misery my default is like unhappiness. I really feel like unhappiness can (can) get a number of understanding and compassion however once you’re simply being a form of jerky, um

Yeah.

You are not you are making it actually laborious for different folks to be there for you. um And also you’re additionally making it laborious for different folks generally. um So I’ll say, that typically what I am feeling, I need to acknowledge and attempt to make a unique alternative when it comes to response, you already know.

Yeah. It is like that response versus response factor that we regularly speak about. Like, typically our, you already know, initially I believe as a result of there may be a lot stress that may come up on the vacation season and emotion and all of this, that yeah, that preliminary response that comes out can typically be frustration and impatience and, you already know, all of those various things. And it does take that further effort to drag again and go Okay, wait a minute. How is that this response serving me. How is it serving to me. How is it harming me. What do I need to do in another way with it to attempt to typically shift it slightly bit.

Yeah. And I believe on this occasion, like, query for me to ask myself personally is, Is that this chopping me off and getting in the best way of me connecting with the vacations and the folks I care about. And I (I) assume on this occasion the reply is Sure. uh And so I (I) have needed to have that dialog with myself about like, Okay, sure, and um how can I discover slightly little bit of coping. uh One factor that I’ve talked about slightly bit with you Litsa earlier was simply that typically I have to be aware of like connecting with current second consciousness and never uh specializing in my stress as a lot, and simply specializing in what’s taking place round me and in entrance of me. uh And so typically it’s saying like Sure, I really feel this manner and I want to really feel a unique approach. um As quickly as doable. As a result of I (I) see that it’s getting in the best way. And typically it should be, typically it should be doable to seek out some coping or to take some house which is coping, I assume. To search out some coping that will help you form of transfer in a unique course. Generally it isn’t, you already know. Generally it isn’t however I do assume recognizing that it’s okay to really feel how you’re feeling, um however typically you would possibly need to discover a few of that coping uh that will help you select a unique response, a unique response, um or to form of get your self out of that feeling um when you may.

Nicely, and I (I) assume to acknowledge too, and I am not saying that is what is going on on in your case, um however that one of many issues that does occur typically is that, the vacations could be about household and togetherness in great methods. However it may also be about household and togetherness with household who we aren’t as comfy with or who we’re interacting with or going to be spending the day with or visiting or you already know no matter who’re a part of our vacation sphere which are making issues harder for us, the place it would not come as naturally and it is citing a unique set of reactions than we be ok with in ourselves. And so, there’s desirous about how we’ll handle that. After which there’s additionally the significance of simply remembering that at the moment of 12 months, it isn’t nearly household in that blood household sense, it’s about friendships and relationships and located household. And that typically, I believe, at the moment of 12 months after we join with these different individuals who make us, I do not know, who perhaps like join with just like the the perfect elements of ourselves or make us really feel slightly bit extra like our, the perfect model of ourselves or a self that is rather less careworn or slightly extra grounded like that may assist to slightly little bit of a counterbalance to a few of the different folks and stressors which are perhaps pulling us in a unique course.

Yeah, For certain. I believe it is curiosity, it is like, it is counterintuitive to think about folks as a coping device from folks. You already know what I imply. Like, the vacations usually do trigger you to return into shut proximity with household however not essentially household that you’ve got essentially the most straightforward relationship with. uh Perhaps it is extra distant household. Perhaps it is individuals who you might be linked by blood however do not have quite a bit you’re feeling in widespread with perhaps it is individuals who do not make you’re feeling supported so I do assume it is a (a) good device to have the individuals who you actually know see you and help you. And that is perhaps an individual you already know in actual life. It is perhaps an individual you already know in a group, like our griever hub. It is perhaps, you already know, any person who you solely textual content yearly however no matter. um Figuring out who these persons are could be useful. And in addition typically, you simply perhaps want a break from folks. Anyhow. um I assume one factor I, the very last thing I’ll say, I really feel like we have to say in each podcast, each dialog concerning the holidays is simply I believe a great way to combine the previous with the current is to seek out these methods to carry family members who have been lacking. Whether or not it is any person who’s died, whether or not it is many individuals who’ve died, perhaps it is any person you are simply separated from, however a great way to form of carry that previous into the current is to seek out methods to (to) contain folks we’re grieving in our traditions and in our rituals whether or not these are collective traditions and rituals or particular person non-public issues that we do. I believe that that’s one thing that may actually assist us to attach and supply a way of that means and function. uh And so we simply encourage folks to take a second to consider what they may do, how they may try this. We’ve tons of articles about this, when you’re actually on the lookout for concepts. However uh the concepts that resonate essentially the most are usually those which are actually particular to you and to the folks you are grieving. However I really feel like that is the very last thing I (I) actually need to say.

Yeah, no. I all the time assume that definitely desirous about these (these) connections is only a good place to start out and finish desirous about the vacation season. And um figuring out that, yeah, it will probably (it will probably) appear like no matter you want it to appear like. However preserving (preserving) these connections and remembering that if the individual you misplaced in the event that they have been somebody who actually did assist to care for you throughout the vacation and (and) help you and floor you of, simply desirous about the methods that you could try to try this for your self um in (in) their absence um no matter that may appear like.

Completely. And we have talked about a number of various things form of broadly and abstractly, however when you ever need extra particular stuff about issues like coping instruments, and being within the current, and grounding, and uh issues you are able to do to honor your family members, and coping on the holidays, now we have lots of of articles on whatsyourgrief.com. uh Go search there, they’re free. uh And you’ll all the time additionally e mail us at whatsyourgrief@gmail.com, in case you have particular questions and we’ll attempt to get again to you. Or you can too try our Griever Hub, uh it is a membership uh website the place we do, gosh a lot, a lot there. We do a number of completely different in-person issues, a number of various things uh which are extra dialogue based mostly. uh However we, uh yeah, it is a good outlet for form of asking questions, getting help, getting suggestions, issues like that.

December 20, 2023